Letty Cottin Pogrebin, who co-founded Ms. Magazine, will speak about her new book, “How to Be A Friend to a Friend Who is Sick,” at the Central Queens Y in Forest Hills next Monday, Dec. 2 at 1:30 p.m. Photo Courtesy Central Queens YM & YWHA
When Letty Cottin Pogrebin – a Queens native who co-founded Ms. Magazine alongside Gloria Steinem – was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, she was amazed, and sometimes horrified, at the reactions she received from friends and family.
“Some were pitch perfect and some seemed tone deaf,” said Pogrebin, a renowned author and journalist who will speak at the Central Queens YM & YWHA in Forest Hills on Monday, Dec. 2 at 1:30 p.m. “Some of them way too close and were intrusive and constantly asking questions, and others retreated as if they could catch cancer. Some people knew exactly how long to stay and others overstayed, really badly.”
Inspired by her own experiences, Pogrebin decided to pen her 10th book – this time about how friends and family can best respond to the news that someone they love is sick or suffering. In “How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who’s Sick,” Pogrebin weaves her own narrative, as well as the stories of numerous other veterans of serious illness and chronic conditions, into a book that delves into questions every person will, at some point in their life, have to deal with: What do you say, and do, when told the words no one wants to hear: I am sick. I have been diagnosed with cancer. My child died.
“Everyone’s well-intentioned, but we just don’t know what to do or what to say,” said Pogrebin, who grew up in Jamaica, Queens and graduated from Jamaica High School at the age of 16 before launching a career of journalism and social justice activism. “We retreat into platitudes and cliches and a completely dysfunctional etiquette.”
After receiving her own diagnosis, Pogrebin quickly learned what reactions helped her – and which ones did not.
“Please don’t assume we need a tuna casserole – maybe we already have three,” she said. “Get to the point of absolute honest as fast as you can so that both parties know what to do.”
This means, she said, asking the following: “Tell me what’s helpful and what’s not. Tell me when you want to be alone and when you want company. Tell me what to bring and when to leave.”
“If you do that as a friend, you will never go wrong,” Pogrebin continued. “You’ve given your sick friend permission to ask for what your sick friend truly needs.”
In a country that hates talking about death, Pogrebin said it is not surprising we, as a society, do not know how to deal with issues that affect us all.
“Whether it’s with death or with illness, we identify with that person,” she said. “It allows us our own sense of mortality or vulnerability or existential shock, and we distance ourselves sometimes from that because it’s not openly discussed… If we could normalize our feelings a little more and not taper them over with these platitudes, we’d be doing each other a big service.”
The talk at 1:30 p.m. on Dec. 2 is open to the public, and a $7 donation is suggested. The Central Queens Y is located at 67-09 108 St. in Forest Hills.
For more information, call (718) 268-5011 ext. 151 or visit www.cqy.org.
By Anna Gustafson
